Navigating the Storm: A Montessori Approach to Toddler Tantrums

A child in the midst of a breakfast tantrum clutches their face in frustration, stirring a bowl of cereal with a spoon.

Tantrums are a natural, albeit challenging, part of a child's development, typically surfacing between the ages of one and five. During these moments, children are grappling with the reality that not everything goes their way, and it's our role as parents to guide them through these overwhelming emotions and teach them how to make amends. It's crucial to remember that a tantrum is often a child's cry for help, not a personal attack.

Proactive Strategies: How to Mitigate Tantrums Before They Erupt

Preventing a full-blown meltdown is often possible if you catch the early warning signs. Here are some Montessori-inspired tips to help your child regain composure:

• Be Prepared: Carry a small bag with simple games and favorite snacks when you anticipate situations requiring patience, like doctor's appointments or dining out.

• Label Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions by saying things like, "Boy, you really wish you could stay longer," or "You really wanted some orange juice right now!"

• Redirect Their Energy: If they're exhibiting undesirable behavior, redirect it safely. For example, "I can't let you hit your brother, but you can hit this drum/pillow."

• Get Down to Their Level: Physically lower yourself to their height and calmly ask, "You sound frustrated. Can you show me?"

• Offer Timely Assistance: If they're struggling with a task, ask if they'd like help. Provide just enough support, then step back, allowing them to complete it independently.

• Empower with Choices: Offer limited choices to give them a sense of control: "Would you like to put on your shoes or your scarf first?"

• Establish Routines: Predictable routines provide comfort and security. "And after lunch, we'll go to the toilet, read a book, and tuck in for a rest."

• Encourage Creative Expression of Anger: Provide an outlet for their frustration. "Show me how angry you are. Here is some paper and a pencil. Wow. Those are big circles. You are really mad!"

Understanding Tantrum Triggers

Tantrums can stem from various sources, including frustration, anger, a desire for control, limited communication skills, or simply being tired, hungry, or overstimulated. They can manifest in various ways, from throwing themselves on the floor to hitting.

It's helpful to identify common triggers for your child. Overscheduling, the arrival of a new sibling, moving to a new house, or even interactions with certain children can provoke tantrums. Sometimes, we, as parents, inadvertently trigger them by delivering unwelcome news, like leaving the park or serving an disliked meal.

Remember, it's okay for your child to have a tantrum. Acknowledge their displeasure, but maintain your boundaries. Giving in to tantrums often reinforces the behavior, leading to louder outbursts in the future. As "Positive Discipline: The Toddler Years" advises, "If you say it, mean it; and if you mean it, follow through with kind and firm action." This might mean calmly leaving the park with a sad toddler, while still acknowledging their desire to stay.

Alternatives to Time-Out: Guiding Your Child to Calm

When your child is in the throes of a tantrum, their primary need is to calm down, not to be punished. Punishment often breeds resentment rather than remorse. Instead, focus on supporting them through their emotional storm. During a tantrum, children are not receptive to lessons; they've lost control.

Here's how to help them find their way back to calm:

• Offer Comfort (if accepted): Some children respond to physical comfort during a tantrum. A gentle back rub, a cuddle, or a soft song can help them process emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness. You might hold them through the storm, as one parent recounted, holding their son for 40 minutes until he announced he was ready to get dressed, grateful for the presence and understanding.

• Respect Their Space (if needed): If your child pushes you away, ensure their safety and maintain a close, supportive presence. Offer your help: "I'm here if you need some help to calm down. Or we can have a cuddle when you are ready." After the tantrum, a warm hug can offer reassurance: "That was tough. And now you have calmed yourself down. Would you like a hug?"

• Prioritize Safety: If a child is throwing objects or attempting to hit, remove them from the situation to ensure everyone's safety. "I can't let you hit me. My safety is important to me. Would you like to hit these pillows instead?" If they're trying to hurt a sibling, physically interpose yourself to protect the other child while still supporting the one having the tantrum.

Empowering an Older Child: The "Calm Place"

For children over three, consider creating a "calm place" – a designated, comfortable area where they can retreat when upset. This could be a tent with pillows and favorite items or a quiet corner with trains. The key distinction from a "time-out" is that the child is in control; they choose when to enter and when to return. If they emerge still in a rage, gently guide them back, explaining they can return when they feel calmer.

Learning to Make Amends

Supporting your child through a tantrum doesn't condone their behavior. Once they are calm, the next crucial step is to help them make amends. If they drew on the walls, involve them in the cleanup. If they broke a sibling's toy, help them fix it. This process teaches them responsibility for their actions.

Moving On: The Power of Forgiveness and Fresh Starts

The beauty of young children is their ability to quickly transition from intense emotions back to their joyful selves. Once amends are made, it's essential for everyone to move on. Dwelling on the tantrum or constantly referencing it can prolong the negativity and disrupt the rest of the day.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Shouldn't we just ignore their tantrum?

Ignoring a child during a tantrum can leave them feeling unsupported and isolated, much like an adult who is upset and has their partner leave the room. Even if they push you away, continue to offer support and let them know you're available. This teaches them that you'll be there for them, no matter what.

2. What do I do if we are out in public when they have a tantrum?

You essentially have two options:

1. Go Home: If public scrutiny is overwhelming, it's perfectly acceptable to leave. This might mean abandoning a full shopping cart and addressing the tantrum at home.

2. Stay and Support: The preferred option is to continue supporting your child as you would at home. Ensure the safety of any other children with you, and then offer as much help as you can. Most onlookers will likely see a patient, loving parent rather than just a noisy child.

   
   

3. I find it difficult to stay calm myself. What can I do?

It's challenging to help your child calm down when you're feeling triggered yourself.

• If a partner is available, ask them to step in.

• If you're alone, ensure your children are safe, then take a moment to collect yourself, perhaps in the bathroom.

• Find a mantra to repeat, such as, "I breathe in calm, I breathe out anger."

• Remind yourself not to take it personally. Visualize putting on an emotional "bulletproof suit" that deflects any verbal or emotional "attacks" from your child.

These strategies can help you remain calm and provide your child with the unwavering support they need to regain control.